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30 years ago, I was asked to come and speak about family law to a local workshop for those struggling with separation and divorce. At the time, I was a partner in a London family law practice and was taking some time off following the birth of my first child. I arrived at the workshop feeling confident; I understood the law and could explain the factors which influence how children and finance issues are resolved following a separation.

I sat in the groups and listened to those present talk about their situations. The issues they faced had little to do with law. They were about loss, conflict, communication, fear, managing anger, boundaries, hurt, betrayal…. Overarching all of these was a deep wish to protect children and not leave them negatively affected by their parents splitting up. (Plus, for some, a very real sense of frustration with their ex and a strong wish for space and distance). As I listened, it became increasingly clear that the skills I had as a family lawyer could offer little to the needs of this group. I had no training beyond the application of law to a set of facts.

That evening set me on a different course, to broaden skills and work more holistically to learn from other professional disciplines. I realised that the ‘go-to’ professional for many should not be a person with legal skills so much as a person with relationship skills; a person who could help a parent to lay down the tug-of-war rope, and be willing to see things from their child’s perspective.

I could not be more thrilled to see the arrival of the Separated Parenting Programme Directory. These programmes are exactly the place to tackle these relationship challenges. They address one’s own feelings about the other parent, managing conflict, establishing healthy boundaries, the dynamics of good communication. They provide the toolkit for navigating separation in a way that protects children. The goal is to emerge with a strong and healthy family dynamic in separate homes.

This is one of the most exciting developments in a 30+ year career of working with separating families. As a mediator I say to all my clients it’s worth going on one of these programmes. Now we have a directory, they can easily find the right one for
them. I know they will benefit but much more importantly, this is just fantastic news for children.

To discover programmes designed to support parents and protect children through separation, visit…

The Separated Parenting Programme Directory
Written by: 

Helen Adam,

Family Mediator, and one of the Founding Partners of Wells Family Mediation.

Be among the first to receive the new policy and supporting resources.

What’s it all about?

Over half of teachers report being drawn into the challenges of parental separation. A new initiative from The Parents Promise offers practical policies and resources to support schools, parents, and pupils through separation.

Wells Family Mediation is hosting this free event to provide schools with the new policy and help them in their efforts to better support children’s learning and wellbeing.

“If we had a blank sheet of paper and were designing a package of support for a child whose parents are separating, that child’s school would of course play a fundamental role. By providing guidance and resources for teachers and parents alike, this Parents Promise initiative will make a real practical difference to the lives of children in the UK.” Sir Andrew McFarlane, President of the Family Division.

Who is it for?

Each school is invited to send up to two delegates, from their Senior

Leadership or Pastoral team. Places are limited and will be allocated

on a first come first served basis.

Speakers:

Helen Adam, Wells Family Mediation

James Hayhurst, The Parents Promise

Ellie Johnstone, Spurgeons

Special Guest:

David Osborne, Mayor of Tunbridge Wells

Where and When is it?

Date: Tuesday 11th November

Time: 3.30pm – 5:30pm (Registration &

refreshments from 3:30pm, prompt start at 4pm)

Location: The Royal Wells Hotel – 59 Mount Ephraim, Tunbridge Wells TN4 8BE

Brewin Dolphin are hosting a series of free, in-person workshops to provide women with practical advice, emotional support, and a safe space to connect with others who understand what you’re going through….

An invitation to women who are looking for support, information and community who are embarking on or already in the process of a divorce or separation.

We also welcome friends or family who have loved ones going through divorce and would like more information to support them through it.

Marriage can be incredibly hard. For those considering what life might be like separating or have concerns and questions having started that process, we are offering access to trained professionals who can steer you through the often emotional and difficult journey of the legal, financial, emotional, and practical impacts of separation.

We are hosting a series of free in person workshops to discuss the different elements of separation starting from how to discuss difficult topics with children, to money and life after separation.

At each session, brunch will be served while a panel of expert speakers discuss key topics in an intimate and safe environment with a small group of women.

Create your tribe and meet others who are considering, going through or perhaps coming out the other end of a separation. The aim of the series of events is to meet like-minded ladies, feel empowered by knowledge and reassured by the continued support of being part of a community.

DATE:

Tuesday 16th September 2025

VENUE:

The Deckhouse, 42-44 London Road, Blighs Meadow Shopping Centre, Sevenoaks, Kent TN13 1AS

TIMINGS:
10:30 – Arrival and meet the fellow guests

11:00 – Brunch and panel presentation starts

12:15 – Presentation ends, coffee and mingling

12:30 – Event closes

Session 1

The early stages: Should I stay, or should I go?

• What should you be considering when making your decision
• Mindfulness and grounding techniques to help with stress
• Who do you need in your corner? Building your professional tribe
• The road ahead – the process and available options such as Non-Court Dispute Resolution

Joanna Pratt
Head of Family
Thomson Snell & Passmore

Joanna helps clients with all aspects of family work including divorce, financial arrangements, pre and post nuptial agreements, cohabitee matters and arrangements for children. She has particular experience in advising on high-net-worth financial matters and financial and children’s cases with an international element.

Juliette Shaw
Partner
Wells Family Mediation

In her previous role as a family solicitor, Juliette specialised in a wide range of family law matters, including divorce and separation issues, property, finances, cohabitation disputes and all aspects of children matters. Having witnessed first-hand the benefits of mediation as a way of resolving family matters, Juliette trained as a mediator and has practised exclusively as a family mediator since 2017, working with clients in Tunbridge Wells and London. She is an accredited mediator with the Family Mediation Council.

Sarah Woodhouse
Trauma Specialist
Self-led Integration™.

Sarah is a trauma specialist, Coaching Psychologist, author and creator of Self-led Integration™. Dedicated to empowering you to break free from relational trauma and create real change in your life.

Louise Shaw
Investment Director
RBC Brewin Dolphin

Louise is passionate about helping women navigate their financial situation through divorce, from budgeting to working out what a settlement means for them in practical terms. Louise is committed to helping develop a focus on women’s wealth and investment knowledge.

Naomi Buff
Founder
Nourish by Naomi

Naomi is an Integrative Holistic Wellbeing Expert, specialising in helping women going through divorce, who are suffering with feeling overwhelmed with stress and anxiety through holistic modalities to get to the root of the issue and create life-long impactful and powerful change. Naomi’s practices include reiki, breathwork and mindset coaching to name a few.

Additional details

Please feel free to bring a plus one or to forward the invite to any ladies you think would benefit from joining the community.

Reserve your Space

Spaces are limited, so early booking is recommended.

To RSVP, please email: rosie.graham@brewin.co.uk

Please include any dietary or access requirements when confirming your attendance.

As the new year begins, a peculiar term often resurfaces: ‘Divorce Month’. January has gained this reputation due to a perceived spike in divorce filings after the festive season. We’ve seen ‘Divorce Month’ and ‘Divorce Monday’ trending even more this year than last, and so at Wells Family Mediation, we thought we’d try to help unpack what it means for families navigating marital challenges, and to separate the myths from the facts.

Myth: Divorce Filings Peak on January 1st
While enquiries about divorce often rise in January, the idea that solicitor and mediators phone lines, and courts are flooded on the first week of January is exaggerated. The post-holiday period prompts reflection, leading to more enquiries, but filing for divorce is usually a careful and planned decision.

Fact: The Holidays Can Be a Tipping Point
The festive season often highlights family dynamics. Some couples delay decisions to “get through Christmas” for their children or extended family. Once January arrives, unresolved issues may lead to action.

Myth: January Divorces Are Inevitable
Not all couples facing the strain over Christmas choose to divorce. For some, January is a chance to work on their relationship. Counselling and professional support can help to address issues and strengthen bonds.

Fact: January Brings Increased Enquiries
Family law professionals and mediators often see a rise in enquiries in January. This reflects people seeking information to explore options, not a “divorce frenzy.” Many individuals are simply gathering facts and information. 

What is ‘Divorce Monday’?
The first working Monday of January has earned the nickname Divorce Monday due to a notable increase in enquiries to legal professionals and mediators. After the Christmas break, this day often marks the start of serious exploration for individuals considering separation. For many, it’s about gathering information and seeking guidance rather than immediately filing for divorce.

How Mediation Can Help
If you’re contemplating separation or divorce, mediation offers a constructive alternative to litigation. Benefits include:

1 Better Communication: Mediation prioritise dialogue, helping couples reach mutually beneficial agreements.

2 Preserving Relationships: For co-parents, mediation fosters co-operation, benefiting children and family dynamics.

3 Cost-Effectiveness: Mediation is often less expensive than court proceedings.

4 Customised Solutions: Mediators help craft agreements tailored to each family’s unique needs.

Starting the Year with Clarity
January can be a time of reflection and decision-making. Whether you’re working on your relationship, exploring separation, or seeking new co-parenting strategies, professional guidance is recommended. At Wells Family Mediation, we’re here to provide compassionate support and practical solutions.

January isn’t about “divorce”—it’s about making informed decisions, and we’re here to help you start the year with clarity and confidence.

The Law Society Gazette has reported on the ongoing work of the Family Solutions Group, chaired by our partner Helen Adam, to remove harmful language from family separation.

Helen says ‘It’s shocking that harmful terms like “custody” are still commonplace in our society and the media, despite every effort to remove them. The “fighting talk” so often used in the context of family separation sets parents against each other, escalating family problems and putting children at risk. A “custody battle” suggests a tug of war between parents for the control of their child, with parents pulling against each other. Not only is this 30 years out of date, but it’s harmful to children, unhelpful for parents and ultimately damaging to society.

‘In these days of increasing awareness of the impact of language upon minority groups, it is extraordinary that there is such a blind spot over the impact of language on families who separate. The simple truth is that fuelling aggression and battles between parents increases the risk of harm to their children. Our language should reflect a problem-solving approach rather than stoke the fire of a battle.’

Read the full article here:

https://www.lawgazette.co.uk/news/custody-carer-client-family-lawyers-identify-harmful-words/5115671.article

Three cheers for Baroness Shackleton ‘Reform of MCA 1973 is urgently needed’.

I was delighted to hear Baroness Fiona Shackleton, that doyenne of family litigation under the MCA, saying this on Radio 4’s PM Programme on 20 March 2023:

“The reality is that certainty stops litigation in a way that uncertainty encourages it.  The law is too uncertain as it stands today, 50 years down the line.  That’s the problem. It needs urgent action.  Not a Law Commission like the pre-nups, which still sits on the stocks not enshrined in law.  It needs to be enacted, and it’s urgent.”

This crisply encapsulates a problem horribly familiar to family mediators and divorcing couples. The law is uncertain. Lawyers therefore have space to take very different views about the same case.  Too often, couples who are working their way to a reasonably peaceful deal in mediation come to a juddering halt because one solicitor says X and the other solicitor says Y, and the law allows them both to say that their view is a possible outcome, even though X and Y are simply miles apart.

Sure enough, this cropped up for me in a supervision with a mediator this week, where the same familiar story was told.

The case involved a couple in their 30s, a 10 year marriage, and two children under 8.   He earns around £100,000 net; her income since the children arrived is around £10,000.   They own a house with equity of £600,000 and £300,000 mortgage.  Not much in the way of savings or pension.    He has moved out and is living with a new partner.  She remains based in the home.

Notwithstanding the potential for emotional upset, these two are determined to end things well between them.  They see the long future ahead as parents and want the best for their children. They’ve self-referred to mediation.  Both say at the outset ‘We really want to avoid conflict; we just want to sort this out sensibly’.

They work well with the mediator.  Arrangements for the children are agreed, Form Es are exchanged and a constructive discussion about financial disclosure takes place.   The mediation moves into the next stage, to look at housing options for them.    He doesn’t want to disrupt her or the children and is not rushing for his stake in the house; they talk about a Mesher arrangement as a possible option.

Quite properly, the mediator explains that they may wish to get independent legal advice at this point.   We want our clients to engage with confidence, and supportive legal advice in the background should be helpful.

I say ‘should’ be helpful, because in any half decent society it would be helpful.  Sadly, not so under the current law in England and Wales.  The wide-reaching judicial discretion under the MCA means that they inevitably get different legal advice and this sets them apart.

In this case, she is told it’s in her interests to sell the house, that she’d get 80% of the equity.    ‘My solicitor told me categorically that I’d get 80%’.   He is outraged and thinks she’s consulted one of those nightmare solicitors who wants ‘to take him to the cleaners’.  His solicitor (no doubt very sensible, in his mind) has told him that it would be a 50:50 split of the equity.   They also had differing advice on the level and term of spousal maintenance.   Both have paid good money for their legal advice; quite properly both want to trust in their own solicitor.

If you, the reader, are now immediately analysing the two sets of advice to work out ‘which is right’ then STOP!   The point is not which lawyer is right, the point is that this system is a nonsense.  It creates havoc for decent people who want to separate on decent terms, and who want to put their children’s welfare first.    As becomes evident at the next mediation appointment, the stress caused by their different advice is spilling out into bad feelings between them; the easy flow of child arrangements is becoming fractious.

Where does this leave the solicitors?  They’ve done their duty to their clients, advising in their best interests.  They owe no duty to the two clients together as parents, nor to the children in the family.    If they’ve been bold in their advice, the unpredictability of any judicial outcome means they’d be safe from any successful negligence claim.   In practice, this leaves them unaccountable.  They will promote ‘Dispute Resolution’ options, without perhaps seeing the irony of attributing a ‘dispute’ to a couple who had none before they were consulted.

Where does this leave the clients?  Confused.  Stressed.  Annoyed with the other’s solicitor and with each other. Unsure.   Their initial goal of sorting this out sensibly is disappearing into the distance.  This is all going to be more difficult, more costly and more acrimonious than they’d wanted.

And the children? Nobody could fail to see the likely ripple effect out to them.  Hopefully their parents will get the help they need and come to a resolution before things unravel any further.

So we come back to the mediator.   The mediator has seen this scenario more times than they’ve had cooked breakfasts.  It is a continual and unwelcome dynamic in any finance work with couples who divorce.   The mediator is similarly annoyed and disheartened.  Not with the clients, nor (necessarily) with their solicitors.    For the umpteenth time, an antiquated law which is not fit for purpose and the unpredictability of judicial outcomes has scuppered another family’s good intents to be civilised and decent.    The mediator will work hard at reframing, reality-testing and other good mediator skills, to  restore the child-focussed goal the clients both expressed at the outset.  The mediator may still get them over the line to a settlement, and it will be marked in the data sets as a tick, a financial order made by consent.  But the wretched law will have taken its toll, impacting the family narrative for years into the future.

The mediator will try to help the clients see that the people at fault here are not the solicitors; it is the successive governments who don’t listen and don’t care about the harm done to many millions of families over the years by the MCA judicial discretion.

So three cheers to Baroness Fiona Shackleton and to any other Parliamentarians who are taking up this cause.

A common theme that arises when talking about the process of mediation is what if one person won’t go, or if that person doesn’t stick to what has been agreed?

The hope in mediation is that people are given the chance to explain their concerns and needs to each other in the presence of a professional mediator.  Whilst mediators cannot insist upon both people attending they do however have the opportunity of meeting with each person separately at the outset for a private meeting where the situation and any concerns can be discussed.  It is common that clients can have a change of heart about the option of a joint session of mediation once they have met with a mediator in a neutral safe space and voiced their concerns as well as hearing about the benefits of the process.

It is important to remember that mediators are neither judges nor legal advisors; instead they are neutral, independent, specialist professionals who help clients to have a difficult conversation and find their own way forward.  An important part of mediation is the involvement of other support around a couple where needed.  In mediation a safe and informed process is offered, giving clients the opportunity to be heard and understood, and to reach their own agreement(s).  It is a future-focused process, offering a fresh opportunity to draw a line in the sand and find a new way forward.

In relation to issues regarding children, clients are supported in agreeing a set of arrangements which can be set out in a parenting agreement, offering clarity and structure with regards the future and what has been agreed.  At Wells Family Mediation we also actively encourage Child Inclusive Mediation, which gives children the opportunity to have their voice heard as a part of the process.

We also encourage clients to return if issues arise and the door to mediation remains open in the months and years ahead.  In our experience, parents who have engaged in a full mediation process in relation to their children, will move ahead with sticking these arrangements.

Mediation also deals with legal issues around the finances and at Wells Family Mediation we encourage our clients to seek legal advice at an appropriate stage in the mediation to ensure they are fully informed about their position and they can use mediation as the place to discuss the issues and reach agreements. We have close links with excellent family solicitors who can also assist with the proposals being straightforwardly turned into legally binding documents.

At Wells Family Mediation we are here for our clients and their children; to listen, to signpost, and to support them to find their own solutions for the future.  We provide a safe and neutral space to work together with your ex in moving on from the difficulties of the past.

Jane Kerr

FMC accredited Family Mediator & Child Consultant